(via synthemesc)

My Additions:

Remember to eat lots of tofu for the protein, as you need 100g a day with as low fat as possible.  Substitute soy milk in your cereal because “dairy grows big babies”, and we don’t want that, and soy will supply you with calcium and iron.  Benefits to the baby include boosts in brain development and decreased risk of cancer.

Don’t, however, eat any soy while you are pregnant, as it contains phytoestrogens that will mess with your hormones and make your male sons gay with their pee holes in the wrong place.  It will also cause brain damage and cancer.

Flax seeds are an excellent source of Omega-3s and help prevent constipation, and you should try adding them to your yogurt and baked goods that you are also not eating.  Be sure to avoid flax in your diet, however, because flax, too, contains phytoestrogens and will bring both you and your baby to certain harm.

If your nausea is caused by hypoglycemia, try sucking on a hard candy when you’re nauseous.  There’s even a special product for pregnant moms called “Preggie Pops” made just for fighting morning sickness.

Don’t eat any refined sugars (or white flour), though, as they will feed the bacteria in your system, leading to bladder and unmentionable infections, throwing off your pH, and increasing your risk of preterm labor.  Fruit sugar is just as bad for you as white sugar.  It is for this reason that you need to avoid juice at all costs.  Be sure to fight bladder infections with cranberry juice before resorting to antibiotics.  Sugar will also grow big babies, and we don’t want that.

Four servings of fruit a day are necessary for the folic acid and Vitamin C they provide.  If you suffer from constipation, a good natural remedy is adding more fruit to your diet, as fruit is high in fiber.  Fruit is also a healthy, sweet alternative to foods you might be craving, such as chocolate and cakes.  Again, be sure to limit eating fruits, as they’re high in sugar and will grow big babies, and we don’t want that.  Remember — pomegranate is a wonder fruit that is packed with vitamins and antioxidants, and it will protect your baby from certain brain defects and prevent premature birth.  It also has a history of use as birth control and will increase your risk of miscarriage.

Greens are essential in a pregnant woman’s diet.  If you can’t stomach spinach, kale, or collard greens, a good alternative is bean sprouts, which you should not be eating due to the risks of salmonella and E. coli.